Q+A with Author of 'Approval Junkie', NPR & CBS Personality, and all round nice person: Faith Salie
August 04, 2016
A month or two back, I had the great pleasure of being one of the lucky few to receive a copy of Faith Salie's new book 'Approval Junkie' before the masses.
Not only did I manage to get my hands on the book, I also stole away a little of Faith's precious time to pick her brain about what led her to write Approval Junkie.
Whilst I planned on getting this Q+A up on the blog in a much more timely fashion, life got in the way.. literally two lives actually. So, finally, here is what Faith had to tell me about Beauty Pageants, baking and being a mum:
Though it follows
a chronological path through your life, Approval Junkie's chapters are each a
stand alone essay in themselves, did you write these pieces over the years or
during one period of reflection on your 'quest for approval'?
Only
a few of the essays had been written before I decided to write Approval
Junkie as a whole and as something that is an implicit memoir. I’d published the “What I Wore to My Divorce”
and the “My Fling With Bill O’Reilly” chapters years before I wrote my book.
The year I published them, I didn’t recognize that they shared a theme, but
when I decided I wanted to write a book and I started mulling the most dramatic
and funny tales I had to tell, I recognized that they all had this theme of
striving for validation in them. I
appreciate your noting that the essays can stand on their own, because I very
much want them to. My goal wasn’t so much to tell my story of how I got from
here to there, as it was to talk about different meaningful experiences in my
life and the lessons I learned from each of them. So, for example, I’d like to
give my chapter about breastfeeding, “Breastfeeding Sucks” to anyone who’s ever
thought about breastfeeding or tried to or managed to do it until her kid’s bar
mitzvah. Or, frankly, to anyone who’s
ever suckled, just so you can know what your mother did for you. Even though my
stories are very unique (I mean, I assume not many people asked their gay
brother to show them how to give a killer hand job or had an exorcism of
sorts), I believe that almost everyone—particularly women—can relate to stories
of losing mothers and babies and husbands and jobs and gaining new loves and
babies and fulfillment and gratitude.
One of the things
I loved and appreciated most about the book is your honestly about the good,
bad and embarrassing, how does it feel to put yourself out there so openly?
Oh,
thanks! Thank you for that. I feel
sometimes I get too much credit for my willingness to be so open, because,
really, I know no other way to be. (This was a big problem for my wasband, in
my first marriage!) I’m horrible at being discreet and unforthcoming. I’ve
found that transparency and vulnerability are superpowers that connect us. I figured how dare I ask people to be
generous enough to absorb my stories unless I am generous enough to give them
as much of myself as possible. And it’s personally gratifying to dig deep and
to be honest and self-deprecating. It’s healing. And I love making people
laugh—I’ve always known that. But what I didn’t anticipate is how moved I’ve
felt to learn that my book has also made people cry and touched them.
Having claimed
the title of Miss Aphrodite 1989; paid $130 to be told 'you're not as pretty as
I want you to be'; spent enough money on lashes to fund a small public radio station;
but ultimately been beautiful 'in sweats, without a lick of make-up', what
advice would you give to someone about beauty and appearance?
Oh
man, right now I’m not the one to ask. I
have a ragged topknot and am in the same shirt I sweated in at 6 AM when I took
my daughter out to walk by the river. (Ie I wore her while I did lunges until I
wanted to pass out. She’s two and kept asking me, “Mommy, why are you doing
lunges?” Then she sang “Mr. Tambourine Man”
while I panted.) I think becoming a mother changes us all. I mean, I’m not
saying you have permission to let yourself go when you become a mother, but the
beauty standards I once held myself to are now impossible to achieve. I used to
have eyebrows done, weekly manicures, walk everywhere (bc New York City, and I
had the time), take the stairs. I never used to eat rogue spoonfuls of mac and
cheese. And mostly I was well-rested,
which went a long way towards keeping up an appearance.
Now,
I try to dress as comfortably as possible so I can chase them. Then, on days
when I have to be on camera, I become another creature entirely: makeup, “real”
hair, beautiful “TV dresses,” jewelry and heels. Hardly anyone recognizes me,
which is rather disturbing, really.
So…advice?
Do figure out a way to get exercise every day. You owe that to yourself—to
clear your mind and keep your body strong.
Never feel guilty about taking time to be alone with your own body,
mind, and heart.
The chapter about
your mother was incredibly moving, Vanilla will never taste or smell the same
to me again. Baking, whilst standing on a chair pushed up to the counter, next
to my mum is a really vivid childhood memory for me as well, one I hope to pass
on to my children. Do you bake with your children now? If so, what's your
favourite thing to cook with them?
My
kids love to “help” bake with me. This
is really a Buddhist lesson for me to be okay with the entropy (read: mess)
they create in the kitchen. The kitchen in our apartment is small, so a little
mess goes a long way towards creating a disaster area. Augustus particularly enjoys making Coca-Cola
cake with me and announcing to the doormen and his teachers, “I MADE A COKE
CAKE!” Because we do not live in the South, no one understands what kind of
delicacy he’s talking about. He’s on the
fence about cracking eggs—some days he likes it, and some days he finds it too
aggressive an act. He loves whisking, which sends batter everywhere. Minerva,
his little sister, basically just wants to do whatever he’s doing, which means
double the mess. Really, what my son
enjoys the most is washing dishes. He can’t get enough of pulling up a chair
and playing with stuff in the sink under running water. (I know this is
terrible, environmentally.) Someday I hope to embrace this affinity of his,
resulting in a cleaner kitchen, rather than a soaked one.
As someone who
has also had a few hiccups along the way to becoming a mum (I'm nearly there- a
couple more months to go!), I was surprised by the outpouring of support when I
did speak up about our experiences. Have you found this to be the case since
sharing your not-so-simple journey to motherhood?
Writing
about becoming a mother—about the surgery I had on my uterus when I was single
in order to become what I thought would be a single mother; about freezing my
eggs at age 39, the day after I went on the first date with the man who would
become my second husband; about my five pregnancies and two babies; about
becoming a mother for the first time in my 40s; about all the injections and
semen and the candles we lit and the vespers we said—was one of my favorite
experiences of creating my book. Motherhood has so changed me, healed me,
exhausted me, invigorated me, surprised me, softened me. When I read my audio
book, I found that the last paragraph of my “Ovary Achiever” chapter includes
some of my favorite words I’ve ever written.
I like the cheekiness of the chapter title. Not to get too Steel
Magnolias about it, but that’s how life is: the very funny and the deeply
tragic, painfulness and gratitude, bump up against each other all the
time. Women tell me over and over how
that chapter in particular has spoken to them. I’m humbled when they thank me
for sharing my journey to motherhood.
I’m
surprised, though, that you’ve been surprised at the support you receive
when you talk about your fertility challenges.
What could bring out compassion in us more than sharing our sadnesses
and joys on the road to becoming parents? I’m evangelical about encouraging
women to freeze their eggs, and I talk about my experiences with IVF and
miscarriages, because I never understand why anyone would ever feel a sense of
shame around fertility. I’m so happy for you, Holly, about your boys and glad
that you talk about your experiences!
Your gentle love
story with your husband John is as touching as it is aspirational. With a busy
lifestyle and two children to keep you both permanently occupied, how do you
try and make time for your relationship amidst the hectic schedule known as
'life'?
I’m
so, so lucky. I’m not sure how I got lucky enough to have been successful with
the JSAP. “JSAP,” as I write in my book,
is what a friend of mine named my courtship with my John: the “Jewish Semen
Acquisition Program.” John and I met when we were 39 and were married a year
later in Rome while I was improbably pregnant with our son. We had so little time to be together as a
couple before we became a family of three…and then four when our daughter
arrived two years later! We both work so
much and also devote so much of ourselves to our kids that it is very difficult
to carve out time for our relationship.
What’s great, though, is that we both agree that our marriage must
remain paramount, that making time for just each other is actually the best
thing we can do for our kids. About once
a month we go to Chicago together for my NPR show, Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! We spend three days together and leave the
kids with a babysitter back at home. We
live for those weekends, even if we don’t do much but hold hands and go out to
lunch.
Once
a year, we get back to Rome for our anniversary, and that, too, is sacred. But for the rest of the time, sadly, we often
say, “I miss you,” even though we live together. He works in New Jersey, and we
live in Manhattan. We hardly see “Daddy”
during the week, and on the weekends I often take one kid while he takes the
other, due to various commitments and different naps. Sometimes we forget to
kiss each other in the morning even though we never forget to kiss our kids—we
both work on that. We remind each other constantly how these long days will be
short years, and soon enough, our lives won’t revolve around naps, and we won’t
be stumbling around sleep-deprived.
Maybe because John and I were both married before and because we both
became first-time parents in our 40s, we are acutely, almost onerously
grateful…and that usually gives us perspective.
Occasionally, though, we’re way too exhausted to feel as appreciative as
we should!
You book,
'Approval Junkie: Adventures in Caring Too Much', is out now- do you have any
plans to tour, and to offer readings and signings?
I’ve
had the wonderful experience of touring and appearing in different cities for
different audiences of friends and family and strangers who feel like friends,
because they know my stories. Reading from my book—especially reenacting how I
won my ridiculous high school pageant—majorly scratches my performing itch.
After spending almost two years writing by myself, it’s magical to actually
hear people respond to words I wrote in solitude. I have more readings and
signings upcoming (on in DC on June 12th), and I’m available to
Skype into book clubs! Lots of information is at http://faithsalie.com/
What's next in
the world of Faith Salie?
I
definitely want to write another book, and I have lots of stories upcoming for
CBS Sunday Morning. I’m also looking
forward to shooting a new season of Science Goes to the Movies. At the
moment, however, I’m urgently figuring out how to make a “rainbow gecko cake”
for my son’s 4th birthday party.
All suggestions welcome!
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